If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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