Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
