She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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