Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
