So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the condom got lost in my hair
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
