I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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