i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
