and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
