Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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