Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
