I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Are my feet made of real feet?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
