Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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