He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
