I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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