I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
