if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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