I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
