Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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