you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
