I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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