Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
