i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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