Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
