I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
