He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
