yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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