After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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