Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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