can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
