I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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