It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
