her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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