He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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