quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
