He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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