you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
