First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
