If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
How naked do you want me to be?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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