12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
