yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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