I can tuck mytits in my pants
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
