you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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