wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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