I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
