and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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