You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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