My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
