i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
