You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
