So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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